Jan 29

Haven't been on to post in a while. That being said, it's not necessarily for a good reason. Just haven't gotten around to it.

I'm knee-deep in fashion and beauty magazines these days and hip-deep in alligators.

I've been telling myself that I have to wait to hike the Appalachian Trail until I lose weight. Today, I say screw that. I'll do what I want when I want to do it. Just because I can. See: Christian Kane.

I'm learning to let myself have personal style. Less uniform. Again, what I want, when I want, etc. I am tired of being defined by my roles in other people's lives.

As for alligators, my mother's chemo has given her a definite mean streak. My grandmother has entered a rehab facility in Florida. Yesterday, she got up out of her bed, pulled off her adult diaper, shredded it and pissed on the floor. I told Mama that if she kept indulging her mean streak with me, I was going to send her to Florida and let my aunt, her sister, deal with her. Or, I would call my brother, who has not (and let's be honest, probably will not) taken his turn with her.

She is deep in martyrdom lately. That attitude has always been around. She gave up so much for her family. Whatever. She worked the entire time my brother and I were children, so she didn't give up her career. She always had money, hers or my dad's. And she definitely didn't give up her freedom, since she abandoned us when we were teenagers. My dad was a drunk and she says she thought that if she left us alone with him, he would be forced to sober up to take care of us. Guess what didn't happen. She told me last night, though, that we would have been abandoned one way or another, that if she hadn't left us with (Dr) Otis the Drunk and continued to live with us, she would have killed herself. My brother and I have talked about the other stuff, but I don't know if I can tell him that last part.