Today is Christmas. It's been a good one. I'm satisfied with how it has turned out. Since the day isn't over yet, I suppose I am referring to the breakfast/opening presents ritual that we observe every December 25th. There were piles and piles of gifts; so many, I thought maybe we had done too much. But, there were also ten people this year, too. Me, Tony, my mom, my aunt, my kids (3), my brother and my sister-in-law. I almost wrote "and his wife" there, when referring to Lindsey, but she is really much closer to me than that. I love Lindsey. I'm glad she's in our family now.
(yes, I'm jumping around conversationally, but my brain is thinking that way, too. It's tiring, but I'm really really thankful that Starbucks was open this afternoon. I'm so off schedule with the daily application of espresso, it's hard to concentrate.)
The doctor says this may be my mother's last Christmas. Not so sure. If it's anyone's last, I think it might be my grandmother's last Christmas. She was so sick, she didn't open presents with us. That's pretty sick. When my father was dying, he still used the small allotment of energy to come downstairs and watch the kids open presents for ten minutes.
It's been a hard time for my grandmother. She's 81 years old, turning 82 in February. This past Friday night, she was diagnosed with a touch of pneumonia. Saturday midday, Kyle, my fourteen-year-old, and I had to practically carry her out to the truck for he and my mother to take her to the emergency room. The doctor there termed it "angina and congestive heart failure," but we don't know that that is entirely accurate. It also might be side effects from the powerful medicines she was given for the pneumonia. Or a gastrointestinal thing. We just don't know. She spent the night in the hospital and was much better the next morning. Now, sick again. My aunt is going to give her a different cough syrup instead of the codeine-laced one the doctor prescribed. If that doesn't help, I imagine they'll take her back to the acute care place tomorrow.
I can't imagine Christmas without my mother steering the ship. But, I've been paying attention this year - to what I love and don't love, what has merit, what doesn't. I like going to church. This is a big one for me to admit. But I love going to the Christmas concert at our church, St. Luke United Methodist. Jamie is in the children's choir and was a shepherd in the Christmas play this year. I love the music, the singing, the resonance of it all.
I love going to the Family Christmas Eve service as a family. I don't take Communion, but everyone else can if they want to. I usually get trouble every year, because I don't take Communion. But, see, here's the thing. It's a sacrament. It's a holy act. If one is going to commit to that, one should do it with a whole heart. My heart has not been fully committed to Jesus being my Lord and Savior, so it's dishonest to state that with that action. I'll keep my integrity, thank you. Typing that out now, I realize, I've been waiting to give someone that reasoning. So here you go.
My mother decorates the house for Christmas. I . . . I didn't decorate anything this year. I think it's because of this nasty streak of perfectionism I have. I know that I probably won't be able to do it "perfectly" so I don't do it at all. That's going to have to stop. I need to be able to make a home for my family, even before my mom passes. Maybe I should practice doing it every month or so, decorating for the seasons, so when Christmas rolls around again, I'll be ready and more comfortable doing it.
I like buying presents. I'll need a budget next year, though. I didn't pay any attention to what I spent this year. I don't like wrapping presents. Next year, I think I will take all the presents to the House of Heroes gift wrapping service at the mall and pay them to wrap them. It would be easier on me and the money would go for a good cause.
I loved going to see "Annie" with Sam, age 13, and Jamie, age 9, at the Springer. We have stopped buying things from "Santa" for the most part. Instead, we splurge on experiences. This year, we also went to Fantasy in Lights at Callaway Gardens. We're going to go to the Georgia Aquarium and Ocmulgee Mounds in January, after my car gets fixed. I was worried that the kids would be disappointed in small trips this year. Last year, Mama took us to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios and Disney World. What trip doesn't look small next to that? But they seem to be okay with what we've planned. Bless them, they're very forgiving and flexible.
I liked spending a few lengths of time with my brother, Will, and Lindsey. I finally feel like I can be myself around them. Will has a hard time with the kids. He doesn't have any of his own and it's going to be a hard transition for him. Kids can be chaotic. He doesn't deal with chaos well. There's other issues there, I think, but I choose to let those be his issues and not attempt to solve them for him.
As for me, I have been readmitted to Columbus Technical College. I am in the esthetician program and I have no problem admitting that I'm really excited about it.
That's new for me, too, to not be shy about admitting that I'm interested in far less academic things than my father would allow. He would consider me frivolous and I'm fairly certain he was disappointed in me for being an intellectual lightweight. Or maybe I'm not giving either of us enough credit. Maybe I put all this pressure on myself to live up to what I thought were his ideals. Maybe he was ok with me. Maybe he . . . I don't know. I don't know that I can complete that sentence with something he truthfully might have thought. But, he's moved on already, in every sense of that word, and there's no asking him and no pressure to be or do anything specific anymore. That right there is wonderful freedom.
Anyway, I'm really excited about it.
"I can't believe it, I'm a beautician!"
"Uh-uh-uh! Glamour technician!"
"Glamour technician!"
"Well, look at me, Annelle. It takes some effort to look like this."
"Oh, I can see that." - Steel Magnolias
In fact, I have secret dreams of creating my own line of beauty products. I've been scouring Allure and Natural Health and the internet. We'll see. For now, it's incredible to be able to have dreams of my own - not influenced by anyone but me.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
The obligatory Christmas entry
It's a few days before Christmas - a week, in fact, and, this year, it's just something else to get done. That's sad, isn't it? But, since I'm in charge of everything - making sure gifts get bought and food gets cooked and keeping other people's travel plans in check, that seems to be the way it has to be this year.
My mother is doing ok. She's taking fluids every week now - potassium and magnesium and saline. It's a 4-hour stint in the Infusion department of John B. Amos Cancer Center. I think maybe the ho-hums about Christmas is because we, my mother and I, are getting pressure from her sister and my brother to make it a really good, meaningful Christmas, since it may be her last. And, being the ornery people that we are, all that pressure makes it hard to perform.
I have no Christmas decorations up at my house. It makes very little sense to me to decorate at home when . . . ok. That sentence just isn't true. I try to spend a lot of time at home; it just doesn't work out that way sometimes. I have no Christmas decorations up because my perfectionist tendencies have won out in that department.
We have effectively stopped doing Santa for the kids. Now, we try to have more experiences instead of stuff that the dog's going to chew up. Like Sam's headphones. This Christmas is just sort of slapdash put together.
In other news, days pass and things happen. Today is our early day. Sam has to be at school at 8:00, instead of his usual 8:30, for band practice. His Christmas concert is tonight. He is also one of a handful of 7th graders across the district who have the opportunity to participate in All-City Honor Band in February. It was his first audition for anything and he did well. Clarinet has done a lot for his self-esteem.
Jamie is going home with a friend for the first time today. She and the other girls in her class have been invited to a cookie-making and decorating party at Emery's house. I'm letting her miss Spanish for this party. She wants to take dance lessons, too. We'll see. She's already in Spanish, dramakids, children's choir at church, Girl Scouts and piano lessons.
And Kyle. Here's the thing: I have the feeling that he is meant for great things. I think we should find an alternate form of education for him. He doesn't like school. He does his best, but he doesn't enjoy it. My mother suggested private school, but I don't think that's going to change anything. Last night, he said he wished we could move out of the city limits and he could learn to be self-sufficient. I suggested that while we can't move just yet, he could work on learning the skills he would need to do that. Once he's eighteen, he can move to our land in Monroe County and do that, if that's what he wants to do. I do think he'll need a day job, to be able to have something to live on while he gets started. To that end, it might be useful to learn a trade. When he's sixteen, he can do dual enrollment at Columbus Tech, if he wants to do that. He had been talking about going to college in North Carolina to learn to be a gunsmith. I know he really needs Christmas break, to have some time to chill out and do what he wants to do. He is going to a redneck Christmas party on Friday night.
As for me, I will no longer be legally disabled in three months. I feel like there are these wide vistas of opportunity opening up for me. I realize it doesn't change the fact that I have bad credit and a spotty academic record, but . . . it's true that I am no longer disabled.
My mother is doing ok. She's taking fluids every week now - potassium and magnesium and saline. It's a 4-hour stint in the Infusion department of John B. Amos Cancer Center. I think maybe the ho-hums about Christmas is because we, my mother and I, are getting pressure from her sister and my brother to make it a really good, meaningful Christmas, since it may be her last. And, being the ornery people that we are, all that pressure makes it hard to perform.
I have no Christmas decorations up at my house. It makes very little sense to me to decorate at home when . . . ok. That sentence just isn't true. I try to spend a lot of time at home; it just doesn't work out that way sometimes. I have no Christmas decorations up because my perfectionist tendencies have won out in that department.
We have effectively stopped doing Santa for the kids. Now, we try to have more experiences instead of stuff that the dog's going to chew up. Like Sam's headphones. This Christmas is just sort of slapdash put together.
In other news, days pass and things happen. Today is our early day. Sam has to be at school at 8:00, instead of his usual 8:30, for band practice. His Christmas concert is tonight. He is also one of a handful of 7th graders across the district who have the opportunity to participate in All-City Honor Band in February. It was his first audition for anything and he did well. Clarinet has done a lot for his self-esteem.
Jamie is going home with a friend for the first time today. She and the other girls in her class have been invited to a cookie-making and decorating party at Emery's house. I'm letting her miss Spanish for this party. She wants to take dance lessons, too. We'll see. She's already in Spanish, dramakids, children's choir at church, Girl Scouts and piano lessons.
And Kyle. Here's the thing: I have the feeling that he is meant for great things. I think we should find an alternate form of education for him. He doesn't like school. He does his best, but he doesn't enjoy it. My mother suggested private school, but I don't think that's going to change anything. Last night, he said he wished we could move out of the city limits and he could learn to be self-sufficient. I suggested that while we can't move just yet, he could work on learning the skills he would need to do that. Once he's eighteen, he can move to our land in Monroe County and do that, if that's what he wants to do. I do think he'll need a day job, to be able to have something to live on while he gets started. To that end, it might be useful to learn a trade. When he's sixteen, he can do dual enrollment at Columbus Tech, if he wants to do that. He had been talking about going to college in North Carolina to learn to be a gunsmith. I know he really needs Christmas break, to have some time to chill out and do what he wants to do. He is going to a redneck Christmas party on Friday night.
As for me, I will no longer be legally disabled in three months. I feel like there are these wide vistas of opportunity opening up for me. I realize it doesn't change the fact that I have bad credit and a spotty academic record, but . . . it's true that I am no longer disabled.
Friday, November 16, 2012
Nov 16
Really, there's nothing new.
My mom still has cancer and, more importantly, liver failure. She has started taking fluids by IV every Friday - potassium and magnesium and whatever fluid they give you when you're dehydrated - saline? She has started swelling, which is one of the symptoms of acute liver failure. But it's not every day or all the time yet.
We are flummoxed that the holidays are so close.
The Energy Savers people are here, replacing our furnace. I don't like having workmen in the house and they've opened up a hole in the hall floor which makes getting to our only bathroom quite the Olympic feat for me. They have taken off the hall door and there's banging, which rattles me. I really don't need my nerves to be shot today. I need to stay on top of my game. Also. One of them is smoking weed outside the house. Refer back to "I need to stay on top of my game."
Sam is two weeks away from his first audition. He plays the clarinet and is trying out for All-City Honor Band. He's the only clarinet from his school to audition. So, he's at school a lot lately, for practice. Tuesday mornings and lots of days after school, plus private lessons on Saturday. Being good at this has been good for him. He has a lot more confidence now than he used to. (Yes. I realize I dangle participles all over the place. Thanks for noticing.)
Mama would like me to start attending church regularly. I assume my brother would like me to, as well, since he's gotten all churchy and evangelical. I like the formal service fine, except for the dressing up - well, maybe I like that part, too. I like the music. The sanctuary is big and beautiful and the acoustics are awesome. This week, they are going to do Copland (which I love) and something else I love, but don't remember what. The boys like to attend the earlier modern service. I dislike it quite a lot. I don't know any of the words and the music sucks. The youth program is ok. The new youth minister and his wife are hellfire-and-brimstone kinda people, so I'm not sure why they have this job at this very-middle-of-the-road, leaning-towards-liberal Methodist Church. We like to keep our feet warm and our services short. People have football and lunch to get to. We don't have all damn day and we think God is probably good with that. I can continue taking the kids to the youth things & children's choir (Jamie), but I don't know about the morning service. I like having my mornings quiet, which might be a moot point with kids in the house.
My mom still has cancer and, more importantly, liver failure. She has started taking fluids by IV every Friday - potassium and magnesium and whatever fluid they give you when you're dehydrated - saline? She has started swelling, which is one of the symptoms of acute liver failure. But it's not every day or all the time yet.
We are flummoxed that the holidays are so close.
The Energy Savers people are here, replacing our furnace. I don't like having workmen in the house and they've opened up a hole in the hall floor which makes getting to our only bathroom quite the Olympic feat for me. They have taken off the hall door and there's banging, which rattles me. I really don't need my nerves to be shot today. I need to stay on top of my game. Also. One of them is smoking weed outside the house. Refer back to "I need to stay on top of my game."
Sam is two weeks away from his first audition. He plays the clarinet and is trying out for All-City Honor Band. He's the only clarinet from his school to audition. So, he's at school a lot lately, for practice. Tuesday mornings and lots of days after school, plus private lessons on Saturday. Being good at this has been good for him. He has a lot more confidence now than he used to. (Yes. I realize I dangle participles all over the place. Thanks for noticing.)
Mama would like me to start attending church regularly. I assume my brother would like me to, as well, since he's gotten all churchy and evangelical. I like the formal service fine, except for the dressing up - well, maybe I like that part, too. I like the music. The sanctuary is big and beautiful and the acoustics are awesome. This week, they are going to do Copland (which I love) and something else I love, but don't remember what. The boys like to attend the earlier modern service. I dislike it quite a lot. I don't know any of the words and the music sucks. The youth program is ok. The new youth minister and his wife are hellfire-and-brimstone kinda people, so I'm not sure why they have this job at this very-middle-of-the-road, leaning-towards-liberal Methodist Church. We like to keep our feet warm and our services short. People have football and lunch to get to. We don't have all damn day and we think God is probably good with that. I can continue taking the kids to the youth things & children's choir (Jamie), but I don't know about the morning service. I like having my mornings quiet, which might be a moot point with kids in the house.
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
ever'day
This is my first "everyday" sort of post. Here are the highlights:
- So glad to wake up in a world where President Barack Obama is still President and will be for another four years. :)
- Today is Anti-Procrastination Day. I have procrastinated about getting Kyle's JROTC uniform to the cleaners and he's supposed to wear it tomorrow. So I have created a bad situation for myself. One in which he loses points because of my laziness or I miss seeing Dr. Pippas because I have to get his uniform and take it & him to school later. Well, that's just not a good choice. I can't miss seeing Dr. Pippas. Mama doesn't remember things . . . . and the doctor is not a good place to be absent-minded.
- Mama and I are going to lower Alabama tomorrow to wrap up funeral plans, see my granddaddy, who is in a nursing home, visit my 102-year old grandma and my paternal aunts, pick up my brother's inheritance (my granddaddy's desk) and put faux fleurs on my daddy's grave. Tired, yet? I know I certainly am. I imagine we'll go to the cemetary at Mount Pleasant, too. It will be good to spend one-on-one time with my mom and the kids will have a good time with Tony and we'll be back on Saturday. Just expecting some emotion-packed days and here I've been avoiding those for so long. Gotta make sure and pack the waterproof mascara . . . .
- So glad to wake up in a world where President Barack Obama is still President and will be for another four years. :)
- Today is Anti-Procrastination Day. I have procrastinated about getting Kyle's JROTC uniform to the cleaners and he's supposed to wear it tomorrow. So I have created a bad situation for myself. One in which he loses points because of my laziness or I miss seeing Dr. Pippas because I have to get his uniform and take it & him to school later. Well, that's just not a good choice. I can't miss seeing Dr. Pippas. Mama doesn't remember things . . . . and the doctor is not a good place to be absent-minded.
- Mama and I are going to lower Alabama tomorrow to wrap up funeral plans, see my granddaddy, who is in a nursing home, visit my 102-year old grandma and my paternal aunts, pick up my brother's inheritance (my granddaddy's desk) and put faux fleurs on my daddy's grave. Tired, yet? I know I certainly am. I imagine we'll go to the cemetary at Mount Pleasant, too. It will be good to spend one-on-one time with my mom and the kids will have a good time with Tony and we'll be back on Saturday. Just expecting some emotion-packed days and here I've been avoiding those for so long. Gotta make sure and pack the waterproof mascara . . . .
Sunday, November 4, 2012
Finally
I disassociated for the first time in years today. I haven't slipped away since before my dad died, January 2011. It was just for a few minutes, just a flash away and back. I remember what I said. It was healing.
Tony and I were . . . being intimate . . . and I guess it was just so intense that it triggered a moment. I said, "I'm sorry" over and over again, and "Please don't make me be alone again." It's the "again" part that makes me think that these are my real feelings about my mother's Impending Doom. She left me before, you know. She left my brother and I to live with our alcoholic father, so she could live alone.
And, I was finally able to cry. I haven't physically cried for months now. I have tried to cry - everything short of physical pain, but nothing . . . until tonight. It is healing and exhausting.
Tony and I were . . . being intimate . . . and I guess it was just so intense that it triggered a moment. I said, "I'm sorry" over and over again, and "Please don't make me be alone again." It's the "again" part that makes me think that these are my real feelings about my mother's Impending Doom. She left me before, you know. She left my brother and I to live with our alcoholic father, so she could live alone.
And, I was finally able to cry. I haven't physically cried for months now. I have tried to cry - everything short of physical pain, but nothing . . . until tonight. It is healing and exhausting.
Saturday, October 20, 2012
It's been a good day today. Tony got up early and we set off to Montgomery to go to Dreamland Barbecue, where pigs go to die happy.
www.dreamlandbbq.com
Beautiful day for driving and we made a conscious effort to not talk about death and dying and all of that sort of thing. We almost succeeded. Eh. It was great to be out of the city. Blue skies and pastures with critters. We love that sort of pastoral vista, esp on I-85 South between Auburn and Montgomery.
The barbecue was juicy and tender and the sweet tea was fresh, not sour, like it was just-made. The house wine of the South, right?
I kept wondering, "Could we be happy here?" But that's another question for another decade. I imagine we'll be in Columbus at least til Jamie finishes high school. We'll see how things shake out.
www.dreamlandbbq.com
Beautiful day for driving and we made a conscious effort to not talk about death and dying and all of that sort of thing. We almost succeeded. Eh. It was great to be out of the city. Blue skies and pastures with critters. We love that sort of pastoral vista, esp on I-85 South between Auburn and Montgomery.
The barbecue was juicy and tender and the sweet tea was fresh, not sour, like it was just-made. The house wine of the South, right?
I kept wondering, "Could we be happy here?" But that's another question for another decade. I imagine we'll be in Columbus at least til Jamie finishes high school. We'll see how things shake out.
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