This is an exercise I'm learning from Mama Gena.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am angry that people expect me to do things for them, only for them, just because I don't work.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am angry that these people aren't even my friends.
What do you have on "anger"?
I don't want to be full of anger like I am right now.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am mad that they just assume that I can reschedule around everyone and every thing.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am angry at me for volunteering to be in charge of this damn Girl Scout group. I like Girl Scouts. I think it's a good program, but I am angry that the other mothers expect me to do everything and plan everything.
What do you have on "anger"?
I don't want to do this anymore and I am angry at myself for that.
What do you have on "anger"?
Jamie says she still wants to do it, but she's not enthusiastic about it. Why should she be? Why can't I let it go? I did spend money on it, but maybe it's just not the right thing for right now.
What do you have on "anger"?
Amber says she always wanted us to have a Girl Scout troop with our daughters, but she never wanted kids, so what the fuck?
What do you have on "anger"?
Maybe I should just abandon the Journeys or only do what Jamie wants to do. I should stop trying to manage the whole group. I'm angry because I feel like I'm letting these other people who aren't even my friends take advantage of my good nature.
What do you have on "anger"?
I'm angry that I don't have any female friends in Columbus. I'm angry because my mother won't take control of her own life and death.
What do you have on "anger"?
I'm angry that I have let all this stuff take up room in my mind and body. I am causing myself stress.
What do you have on "anger"?
Nothing. I'm out of anger right now.
Thank you.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Back again.
I admit, I didn't come back here specifically to blog. I came back because I feel like my friend is in trouble and I thought maybe I could pick up on what's going on by reading her blog. That really didn't work so much. She hasn't posted anything in three months and I'm still behind. There is anger there, there is hurt. There is frustration and exhaustion. Out of all of these, I'm really picking up anger and exhaustion. She is emotionally exhausted. There is nothing I can do about it, really. I am not close enough, physically, to be any big help. I'm getting used to not being able to do anything to fix situations for those I love. That's probably a good thing, as they need to be able to do it and I have things closer to home to concentrate on.
I trust that she can do what she needs to do and do it well.
As can I. That's a new sentiment for me, you see. A gift I have been given this summer. It's been a hard summer round here. Summers are typically hard for me. The bells of the school year quiet down. Our routines go out the window. Yes, that's why we look forward to summer, but I dread it as well. I need there to be a rhythm to my days. Rhythmless days = chaos.
The good news is, all the children are registered for the next year of school. School days are here again. Big relief for all my family. Kids are excited. I'm damn near thrilled, as is my brother. It's been a hard summer for him, too. My mother is still sick, but we are definitely in a holding pattern. The chemotherapy is holding the cancer at bay. Her weight went up a couple of pounds this month. Believe you me, that's good news. We determined, or, rather, Dr. Pippas, determined that she does not have a fistula. She has normal digestion and her weight has stabilized for now. For the next 7 weeks, that's what we're focusing on: keeping her weight on her tiny little body. A year ago, she was a size 16. Now, she's a size 8, leaning towards a 6. Weight loss via cancer: I don't recommend it. She's so tiny . . . my daughter and I want to dress her up like a lil old Barbie doll.
In other news, Happy Lammastide! I love that word. We're easing towards fall and football is around the corner. My oldest son is starting to talk to college football scouts. He wants a football scholarship. I want him to go to college. Maybe we can both have our ways. He's a sophomore now, 15 this month. He has set an intention to do better in school this year. He's a good kid, a respectful person.
My younger son is starting eighth grade this year. He says he's not excited, but I know better. He's looking forward to advanced math classes, longer clarinet lessons and joining the broadcasting club. It's time to start touring high schools for him. You have to apply to high schools here. I think he's interested in Columbus High School, my alma mater, but I'm encouraging him to keep an open mind. He is SO smart. Smart like my dad, in that intellectual kind of way, but with far better people skills.
My daughter is starting fourth grade. Upper primary. She wants to be involved in everything she possibly can. She's still a Girl Scout; she starts Junior level this year. She is going to take drama lessons and Spanish after school, at least until Science Olympiad starts in the spring. There was some talk of hip hop dance lessons over the summer, but we'll see how that goes.
As for me. Well, that's always the hard part, isn't it? I'm trying to be more at ease with fluidity. The transition of one thing into another and being comfortable with the transitioning. Still keeping track of my chakras. Root chakra is less blocked than it was. I think taking multiple baths/day and taking care of day-to-day business of my crew helped with that, as well as doing better at keeping up the house and paying bills.
Need:
Physical activity - to that end, I bought myself a new stretching book and I'm going to apply for a scholarship at the YMCA. I also dug my dad's mp3 player out and it still works! I've got to concentrate on the adventure part of walking around the park to block out the fear of people, but I think having the mp3 player with me will help as a distraction.
More protein, root veggies & water. It's expensive, but I think it will be worth it. I tend to lean on carbs for stress relief, but I can substitute in some ways. Greek yogurt vs. ice cream, that sort of thing. I need to eat more regularly, too. I've been having sharp hunger - when I get hungry, I have to eat right that minute or I get nauseated. Don't know what that's about. As for water, I'm drinking more tea, both cold and hot. I really like the Lipton citrus green tea and I have boxes upon boxes of teabags of different sorts.
Sleep. Gotta beat this insomnia. I'm taking otc sleeping pills/liquid right now + I keep the house cold + I go to sleep with the TV on something familiar but low, to occupy my mind long enough to get to sleep. I know the TV part isn't considered good sleep hygiene, but I don't have a working cd player right now. I have found some relaxation cds I think would help on amazon.
Better self-care. I'm getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. That will help immensely. I want to conquer the people-fear enough to get a pedicure. I used to get them all the time, but I learned to be responsible and it became harder to spend money on myself. I would like to get a professional massage, too, but the latter part of that last sentence applies here, too. Tony does a pretty good job himself.
Less coffee. Gotta reduce to a tall and save a grande for bad days. It'll be hard, but I think it will help with the insomnia.
I trust that she can do what she needs to do and do it well.
As can I. That's a new sentiment for me, you see. A gift I have been given this summer. It's been a hard summer round here. Summers are typically hard for me. The bells of the school year quiet down. Our routines go out the window. Yes, that's why we look forward to summer, but I dread it as well. I need there to be a rhythm to my days. Rhythmless days = chaos.
The good news is, all the children are registered for the next year of school. School days are here again. Big relief for all my family. Kids are excited. I'm damn near thrilled, as is my brother. It's been a hard summer for him, too. My mother is still sick, but we are definitely in a holding pattern. The chemotherapy is holding the cancer at bay. Her weight went up a couple of pounds this month. Believe you me, that's good news. We determined, or, rather, Dr. Pippas, determined that she does not have a fistula. She has normal digestion and her weight has stabilized for now. For the next 7 weeks, that's what we're focusing on: keeping her weight on her tiny little body. A year ago, she was a size 16. Now, she's a size 8, leaning towards a 6. Weight loss via cancer: I don't recommend it. She's so tiny . . . my daughter and I want to dress her up like a lil old Barbie doll.
In other news, Happy Lammastide! I love that word. We're easing towards fall and football is around the corner. My oldest son is starting to talk to college football scouts. He wants a football scholarship. I want him to go to college. Maybe we can both have our ways. He's a sophomore now, 15 this month. He has set an intention to do better in school this year. He's a good kid, a respectful person.
My younger son is starting eighth grade this year. He says he's not excited, but I know better. He's looking forward to advanced math classes, longer clarinet lessons and joining the broadcasting club. It's time to start touring high schools for him. You have to apply to high schools here. I think he's interested in Columbus High School, my alma mater, but I'm encouraging him to keep an open mind. He is SO smart. Smart like my dad, in that intellectual kind of way, but with far better people skills.
My daughter is starting fourth grade. Upper primary. She wants to be involved in everything she possibly can. She's still a Girl Scout; she starts Junior level this year. She is going to take drama lessons and Spanish after school, at least until Science Olympiad starts in the spring. There was some talk of hip hop dance lessons over the summer, but we'll see how that goes.
As for me. Well, that's always the hard part, isn't it? I'm trying to be more at ease with fluidity. The transition of one thing into another and being comfortable with the transitioning. Still keeping track of my chakras. Root chakra is less blocked than it was. I think taking multiple baths/day and taking care of day-to-day business of my crew helped with that, as well as doing better at keeping up the house and paying bills.
Need:
Physical activity - to that end, I bought myself a new stretching book and I'm going to apply for a scholarship at the YMCA. I also dug my dad's mp3 player out and it still works! I've got to concentrate on the adventure part of walking around the park to block out the fear of people, but I think having the mp3 player with me will help as a distraction.
More protein, root veggies & water. It's expensive, but I think it will be worth it. I tend to lean on carbs for stress relief, but I can substitute in some ways. Greek yogurt vs. ice cream, that sort of thing. I need to eat more regularly, too. I've been having sharp hunger - when I get hungry, I have to eat right that minute or I get nauseated. Don't know what that's about. As for water, I'm drinking more tea, both cold and hot. I really like the Lipton citrus green tea and I have boxes upon boxes of teabags of different sorts.
Sleep. Gotta beat this insomnia. I'm taking otc sleeping pills/liquid right now + I keep the house cold + I go to sleep with the TV on something familiar but low, to occupy my mind long enough to get to sleep. I know the TV part isn't considered good sleep hygiene, but I don't have a working cd player right now. I have found some relaxation cds I think would help on amazon.
Better self-care. I'm getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. That will help immensely. I want to conquer the people-fear enough to get a pedicure. I used to get them all the time, but I learned to be responsible and it became harder to spend money on myself. I would like to get a professional massage, too, but the latter part of that last sentence applies here, too. Tony does a pretty good job himself.
Less coffee. Gotta reduce to a tall and save a grande for bad days. It'll be hard, but I think it will help with the insomnia.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Jan 29
Haven't been on to post in a while. That being said, it's not necessarily for a good reason. Just haven't gotten around to it.
I'm knee-deep in fashion and beauty magazines these days and hip-deep in alligators.
I've been telling myself that I have to wait to hike the Appalachian Trail until I lose weight. Today, I say screw that. I'll do what I want when I want to do it. Just because I can. See: Christian Kane.
I'm learning to let myself have personal style. Less uniform. Again, what I want, when I want, etc. I am tired of being defined by my roles in other people's lives.
As for alligators, my mother's chemo has given her a definite mean streak. My grandmother has entered a rehab facility in Florida. Yesterday, she got up out of her bed, pulled off her adult diaper, shredded it and pissed on the floor. I told Mama that if she kept indulging her mean streak with me, I was going to send her to Florida and let my aunt, her sister, deal with her. Or, I would call my brother, who has not (and let's be honest, probably will not) taken his turn with her.
She is deep in martyrdom lately. That attitude has always been around. She gave up so much for her family. Whatever. She worked the entire time my brother and I were children, so she didn't give up her career. She always had money, hers or my dad's. And she definitely didn't give up her freedom, since she abandoned us when we were teenagers. My dad was a drunk and she says she thought that if she left us alone with him, he would be forced to sober up to take care of us. Guess what didn't happen. She told me last night, though, that we would have been abandoned one way or another, that if she hadn't left us with (Dr) Otis the Drunk and continued to live with us, she would have killed herself. My brother and I have talked about the other stuff, but I don't know if I can tell him that last part.
I'm knee-deep in fashion and beauty magazines these days and hip-deep in alligators.
I've been telling myself that I have to wait to hike the Appalachian Trail until I lose weight. Today, I say screw that. I'll do what I want when I want to do it. Just because I can. See: Christian Kane.
I'm learning to let myself have personal style. Less uniform. Again, what I want, when I want, etc. I am tired of being defined by my roles in other people's lives.
As for alligators, my mother's chemo has given her a definite mean streak. My grandmother has entered a rehab facility in Florida. Yesterday, she got up out of her bed, pulled off her adult diaper, shredded it and pissed on the floor. I told Mama that if she kept indulging her mean streak with me, I was going to send her to Florida and let my aunt, her sister, deal with her. Or, I would call my brother, who has not (and let's be honest, probably will not) taken his turn with her.
She is deep in martyrdom lately. That attitude has always been around. She gave up so much for her family. Whatever. She worked the entire time my brother and I were children, so she didn't give up her career. She always had money, hers or my dad's. And she definitely didn't give up her freedom, since she abandoned us when we were teenagers. My dad was a drunk and she says she thought that if she left us alone with him, he would be forced to sober up to take care of us. Guess what didn't happen. She told me last night, though, that we would have been abandoned one way or another, that if she hadn't left us with (Dr) Otis the Drunk and continued to live with us, she would have killed herself. My brother and I have talked about the other stuff, but I don't know if I can tell him that last part.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
A couple of things:
1) I have always been able to bank on sexual power to get what I want. Now, in a relationship that has nothing to do with power, only mutual trust and respect, I think I have to learn to approach sex in a different way in my mind/life. I don't even know where to start with that.
2) Is weed a shamanistic sort of plant? At first, it made me happy and horny. Now, it makes me think deeper about things. Last night, I missed the kids so badly but I couldn't call them because it was late, I was high and I was upset, which is why they live with my mother in the first place, so they won't be upset by my feeling upset. I guess I'm in an epic miss.
3) I dreamed that I was at a party with Jennifer Lawrence at her house. Someone asked her about her makeup in The Hunger Games and she flicked the movie on. Except in this movie, her love interest was Neil Patrick Harris.
1) I have always been able to bank on sexual power to get what I want. Now, in a relationship that has nothing to do with power, only mutual trust and respect, I think I have to learn to approach sex in a different way in my mind/life. I don't even know where to start with that.
2) Is weed a shamanistic sort of plant? At first, it made me happy and horny. Now, it makes me think deeper about things. Last night, I missed the kids so badly but I couldn't call them because it was late, I was high and I was upset, which is why they live with my mother in the first place, so they won't be upset by my feeling upset. I guess I'm in an epic miss.
3) I dreamed that I was at a party with Jennifer Lawrence at her house. Someone asked her about her makeup in The Hunger Games and she flicked the movie on. Except in this movie, her love interest was Neil Patrick Harris.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
This past night, I dreamed that we, my family in the dream, but not my family in real life, the last name was Ignatius (fire) went to stay at the home of some kid/young adult who was away and we had either rented his home to stay or we just crashed there. There was a man climbing the walls on the outside of the building with rappelling gear. The walls were dirty white stucco and the kid had left his junk everywhere: boating vests, etc. Then, it was just me in a high school gym. Lis came to see me, in a big tricked out green Ford pickup truck with a lift kit and enormous tires. There were shades of pale: ivory, bone, white, winter white, you get the idea. Lis put something in a basket, something wooden I think. I drove home and she followed me in the big truck.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Only a couple of minutes
to update before I have to get dressed. It's been a quiet week so far. After the rush of the holidays, I'm glad to be able to say that. My card for today is "Break Free", which was my card yesterday, too. Yesterday, I didn't wear any makeup, got dressed, took the kids to school, went to Starbucks, came home, went to the library, took a long nap . . . ahh! Alarm!
Ok, I'm back. Dressed much like I was yesterday - t-shirt, jeans, plaid shoes. Yesterday: also, didn't have to pick up Kyle from football or take boys to Boy Scouts (that's different), so I sat around and made pleasant conversation with my mother (also different). Then, I came home and read until I finished my book and it was time for sleeping. I went to bed earlier than I hve been and that's different. I dreamed about Imbolc. That falls on Feb 3 this year.
When I woke up this morning, I felt rested. That's definitely different. So, today, what am I going to do to break free? I've got errands to do, but I could take a different route than I usually do. We'll see how it goes.
Ok, I'm back. Dressed much like I was yesterday - t-shirt, jeans, plaid shoes. Yesterday: also, didn't have to pick up Kyle from football or take boys to Boy Scouts (that's different), so I sat around and made pleasant conversation with my mother (also different). Then, I came home and read until I finished my book and it was time for sleeping. I went to bed earlier than I hve been and that's different. I dreamed about Imbolc. That falls on Feb 3 this year.
When I woke up this morning, I felt rested. That's definitely different. So, today, what am I going to do to break free? I've got errands to do, but I could take a different route than I usually do. We'll see how it goes.
Friday, January 11, 2013
No dreams this morning . . .
just tired. My oracle card for the day is "Rest" and that's what I'll do, after I do the things that have to be done. I'm tempted to go back to bed for half an hour, but it's not likely I would get any sleep. But then, rest isn't necessarily sleep.
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