Jan 29

Haven't been on to post in a while. That being said, it's not necessarily for a good reason. Just haven't gotten around to it.

I'm knee-deep in fashion and beauty magazines these days and hip-deep in alligators.

I've been telling myself that I have to wait to hike the Appalachian Trail until I lose weight. Today, I say screw that. I'll do what I want when I want to do it. Just because I can. See: Christian Kane.

I'm learning to let myself have personal style. Less uniform. Again, what I want, when I want, etc. I am tired of being defined by my roles in other people's lives.

As for alligators, my mother's chemo has given her a definite mean streak. My grandmother has entered a rehab facility in Florida. Yesterday, she got up out of her bed, pulled off her adult diaper, shredded it and pissed on the floor. I told Mama that if she kept indulging her mean streak with me, I was going to send her to Florida and let my aunt, her sister, deal with her. Or, I would call my brother, who has not (and let's be honest, probably will not) taken his turn with her.

She is deep in martyrdom lately. That attitude has always been around. She gave up so much for her family. Whatever. She worked the entire time my brother and I were children, so she didn't give up her career. She always had money, hers or my dad's. And she definitely didn't give up her freedom, since she abandoned us when we were teenagers. My dad was a drunk and she says she thought that if she left us alone with him, he would be forced to sober up to take care of us. Guess what didn't happen. She told me last night, though, that we would have been abandoned one way or another, that if she hadn't left us with (Dr) Otis the Drunk and continued to live with us, she would have killed herself. My brother and I have talked about the other stuff, but I don't know if I can tell him that last part.

A couple of things:

1) I have always been able to bank on sexual power to get what I want. Now, in a relationship that has nothing to do with power, only mutual trust and respect, I think I have to learn to approach sex in a different way in my mind/life. I don't even know where to start with that.

2) Is weed a shamanistic sort of plant? At first, it made me happy and horny. Now, it makes me think deeper about things. Last night, I missed the kids so badly but I couldn't call them because it was late, I was high and I was upset, which is why they live with my mother in the first place, so they won't be upset by my feeling upset. I guess I'm in an epic miss.

3) I dreamed that I was at a party with Jennifer Lawrence at her house. Someone asked her about her makeup in The Hunger Games and she flicked the movie on. Except in this movie, her love interest was Neil Patrick Harris.

This past night, I dreamed that we, my family in the dream, but not my family in real life, the last name was Ignatius (fire) went to stay at the home of some kid/young adult who was away and we had either rented his home to stay or we just crashed there. There was a man climbing the walls on the outside of the building with rappelling gear. The walls were dirty white stucco and the kid had left his junk everywhere: boating vests, etc. Then, it was just me in a high school gym. Lis came to see me, in a big tricked out green Ford pickup truck with a lift kit and enormous tires. There were shades of pale: ivory, bone, white, winter white, you get the idea. Lis put something in a basket, something wooden I think. I drove home and she followed me in the big truck.

Only a couple of minutes

to update before I have to get dressed. It's been a quiet week so far. After the rush of the holidays, I'm glad to be able to say that. My card for today is "Break Free", which was my card yesterday, too. Yesterday, I didn't wear any makeup, got dressed, took the kids to school, went to Starbucks, came home, went to the library, took a long nap . . . ahh! Alarm!

Ok, I'm back. Dressed much like I was yesterday - t-shirt, jeans, plaid shoes. Yesterday: also, didn't have to pick up Kyle from football or take boys to Boy Scouts (that's different), so I sat around and made pleasant conversation with my mother (also different). Then, I came home and read until I finished my book and it was time for sleeping. I went to bed earlier than I hve been and that's different. I dreamed about Imbolc. That falls on Feb 3 this year.

When I woke up this morning, I felt rested. That's definitely different. So, today, what am I going to do to break free? I've got errands to do, but I could take a different route than I usually do. We'll see how it goes.

No dreams this morning . . .

just tired. My oracle card for the day is "Rest" and that's what I'll do, after I do the things that have to be done. I'm tempted to go back to bed for half an hour, but it's not likely I would get any sleep. But then, rest isn't necessarily sleep.

Jan 7

This morning, I dreamed about an old friend, Alex, who was very distressed. I checked facebook - he's in Costa Rica right now. I don't remember all the details, my fault, for thinking about it before I wrote it down. It was set at a place like a college campus. There were lots of people there and I seemed to know some of them. There was a guy who lived upstairs behind the stage in the auditorium, but it may have been the stage in a theatre. Alex was very unhappy and I seemed to know the guy who lived behind the stage. There was also energy - it was explained to me and I understood, in the dream, it was a certain kind of energy - yellow energy? Not the energy produced by doing something and not consumed by anything, but an energy that everyone has, that simply is. And I guess I had a lot of it. Something to that effect.

Synchronicities galore

Today is January 6th. Today is the day, two years ago, my father had his final heart attack and was taken off life support to leave this life. Tomorrow is the day my father died. I wasn't with him at the time. My mother and his sister were there to ease his way. We buried him on a Monday, the day of the moon. There was an enormous hanging moon on my birthday this year. While we were in southern Alabama, I had a hotel room all to myself. Tony couldn't come, he had to tend to his mother. I watched the first episode of Charmed. Today, the first season is on the floor where it shouldn't be. There is no reason it should be out. I get it, universe. I get it.

<> I realize I didn't explain that very well. It makes no sense to anybody who isn't living inside my head. Feel free to not try to understand it and move on. Just know that I have returned to my path. I tried to be what my parents & brother wanted me to be. I tried for 2 years, but the truth of the matter is that it just isn't who I am. I won't be derogatory towards their beliefs and I will even go to church, if moved to do so, but it's just not me.

Jan 6

This morning, I dreamed that Tony & I were staying in a busy resort town, Miami-esque. Beach, cars, tons of people. I was in the hospital. In a bed, on a floor, but no one was taking care of me. I was able to leave at will. I drove down to the beach. There were these eels in the water, enormous things, but not as big as the shrieking eels and they would try to get in the car and bite me. When I was on the beach, I stayed well away from the water because that's where the eels were. There were celebrities on the beach, too. I nearly scared away Sarah Jessica Parker because I kept saying, "oh my god, it's the real Carrie!" Until I realized how it must suck to have someone running after you calling you by a name that's not yours. So I apologized and she kept a careful distance away from me, but you can tell she wanted to ask what was wrong with me, why I might still be here to watch Monday night Raw. I was also carrying on a conversation with Freddie Prinze Jr & Sarah Michelle Gellar. We talked about how he's writing the scripts for Raw, now. I did not mention Buffy.

So, what does that mean? I'm taking away that I have health needs that aren't being addressed, which is true. I have been way off balance moodwise, but I think it's swinging back towards normal. I started Weight Watchers and I've been tracking to address the weight issue. I wonder if there's something else I don't know about yet.

Jan 4

This morning, I dreamed that I was getting married. Lis was here and she was all excited because my fiance was in the house of the Duke of Norfolk and would be the next in line to the throne of Britain. He was an Indian guy. I was sitting in the bathroom at Dimon Street, enthroned, shall we say. In this bathroom, there was also Tony's mom, or she was supposed to be. I honestly wouldn't know Tony's mom if I met her on the street. Also, my mom and this guy. I was talking to Tony's mom, then I looked at this guy and he did something that Tony does and I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry, because I couldn't marry this guy. He might do the same things that Tony does, but he's not Tony and that makes all the difference.

It was the first morning in a long time that I've wanted to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Usually my brain turns on and that's the end of that. It might be because I actually got sleep 10:30-6:45. Quite a bit more sleep than I've gotten lately. I'm taking a natural sleep aid, a take-off on melatonin, which gets me to sleep, but I have a hard time staying asleep.

The obligatory New Year's post

It's not New Year's Day. I managed to not make the obligatory New Year's post on New Year's Day. How's that for self control?

But I have been productive in this time of resolutions. Mine aren't really so much resolutions, which inevitably fail or get left behind in the life-flurries. Mine are more "I think these are good ideas and I am going to attend to these, while leaving room for error, because there's no such thing as perfect and I refuse to get bogged down in perfectionism." I am also pledging to these for the next 18 months. A nice round number, don't you think?

- I will continue to attempt Flylady routines every day. Some days, the whole thing gets done, sometimes, only one blessed thing. It's the striving that matters. I can do anything for five minutes, even if that's all that gets done. (www.flylady.net)

- I will watch what I eat. I dreamed the night before New Year's Eve about Weight Watchers very vividly, in bold-print, if you can imagine that. When I pulled my oracle card that morning, I got Helpful Person. Synchronicity, much? I signed up for the online program that morning. When I got on the scale, I was very much glad I did. Over 300 pounds again. I blame it on Christmas candy and my unsurprising lack of self-control when it comes to Christmas candy. I've tracked every day since then. (www.weightwatchers.com)

- I will exercise. This one is hard for me to not get bogged down in perfectionism. I like the pretty plans in the magazines, but I have a hard time with starting, then something happens and I can't do some part of it like I had planned, so the whole thing just goes to shit. I have to be forgiving and flexible when it comes to exercise.

- I will not take the easy way out, i.e. throwing all these to the wind because I didn't do one little thing like I thought I should have done it. I will not give in to perfectionism.

- I will establish a schedule for my creative work. I have been accepted to the aesthetician program at the local tech college, Columbus Technical College. It is a relief and a joy to finally feel comfortable and happy and worth doing something I am truly interested in. I missed registration for spring semester, so I plan to start in the summer. To fill the time, I have registered (today!) for two continuing education courses at Columbus State University. I am taking Mind, Body, Spirit and Organic Beauty. I am also attending the Mind Body Spirit Retreat at Columbus State University next Saturday. Everything is already paid and for once, I put myself first. I may not be able to pay for Jamie's Spanish lessons this month, but I am paid and registered for something that I am truly interested in. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking this trouble for. I have to remind myself of my own worthiness. (www.columbustech.edu; www.columbusstate.edu)

- I will make time for friends and fun. To that end, I have set up a weekly breakfast date with one of my oldest friends and I have determined to make it a priority.

- I will meditate. I will keep an eye out for synchonicities and heed their warnings. I will pay attention to my dreams. I will educate myself regarding intuitive development and alternative healing.

- I will be proud of my accomplishments and appreciate those qualities of mine that have helped me accomplish those 'ments. I will pat myself on the back.

- I will read, read, read.

- I will keep up with this blog and I have been toying with the idea of starting another one, specifically focused on beauty and organics.

- I will make my home a retreat, a place I WANT to come to, when I feel battered from the world. As it is, it's really more of just a shelter.

- I will pay more attention to nutrition. I realize that means putting an end to my seemingly-nightly Wendy's runs. I'm ok with that. I need to have food that I want to eat and be able to fix it easily enough that it doesn't seem like too much effort when I get home at night and in the mornings for breakfast. These days, I have coffee for breakfast and then I have a headache, so I supplement it with a couple of Aleve.

- I will appreciate those people and things around me.