This is an exercise I'm learning from Mama Gena.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am angry that people expect me to do things for them, only for them, just because I don't work.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am angry that these people aren't even my friends.
What do you have on "anger"?
I don't want to be full of anger like I am right now.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am mad that they just assume that I can reschedule around everyone and every thing.
What do you have on "anger"?
I am angry at me for volunteering to be in charge of this damn Girl Scout group. I like Girl Scouts. I think it's a good program, but I am angry that the other mothers expect me to do everything and plan everything.
What do you have on "anger"?
I don't want to do this anymore and I am angry at myself for that.
What do you have on "anger"?
Jamie says she still wants to do it, but she's not enthusiastic about it. Why should she be? Why can't I let it go? I did spend money on it, but maybe it's just not the right thing for right now.
What do you have on "anger"?
Amber says she always wanted us to have a Girl Scout troop with our daughters, but she never wanted kids, so what the fuck?
What do you have on "anger"?
Maybe I should just abandon the Journeys or only do what Jamie wants to do. I should stop trying to manage the whole group. I'm angry because I feel like I'm letting these other people who aren't even my friends take advantage of my good nature.
What do you have on "anger"?
I'm angry that I don't have any female friends in Columbus. I'm angry because my mother won't take control of her own life and death.
What do you have on "anger"?
I'm angry that I have let all this stuff take up room in my mind and body. I am causing myself stress.
What do you have on "anger"?
Nothing. I'm out of anger right now.
Thank you.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Friday, August 2, 2013
Back again.
I admit, I didn't come back here specifically to blog. I came back because I feel like my friend is in trouble and I thought maybe I could pick up on what's going on by reading her blog. That really didn't work so much. She hasn't posted anything in three months and I'm still behind. There is anger there, there is hurt. There is frustration and exhaustion. Out of all of these, I'm really picking up anger and exhaustion. She is emotionally exhausted. There is nothing I can do about it, really. I am not close enough, physically, to be any big help. I'm getting used to not being able to do anything to fix situations for those I love. That's probably a good thing, as they need to be able to do it and I have things closer to home to concentrate on.
I trust that she can do what she needs to do and do it well.
As can I. That's a new sentiment for me, you see. A gift I have been given this summer. It's been a hard summer round here. Summers are typically hard for me. The bells of the school year quiet down. Our routines go out the window. Yes, that's why we look forward to summer, but I dread it as well. I need there to be a rhythm to my days. Rhythmless days = chaos.
The good news is, all the children are registered for the next year of school. School days are here again. Big relief for all my family. Kids are excited. I'm damn near thrilled, as is my brother. It's been a hard summer for him, too. My mother is still sick, but we are definitely in a holding pattern. The chemotherapy is holding the cancer at bay. Her weight went up a couple of pounds this month. Believe you me, that's good news. We determined, or, rather, Dr. Pippas, determined that she does not have a fistula. She has normal digestion and her weight has stabilized for now. For the next 7 weeks, that's what we're focusing on: keeping her weight on her tiny little body. A year ago, she was a size 16. Now, she's a size 8, leaning towards a 6. Weight loss via cancer: I don't recommend it. She's so tiny . . . my daughter and I want to dress her up like a lil old Barbie doll.
In other news, Happy Lammastide! I love that word. We're easing towards fall and football is around the corner. My oldest son is starting to talk to college football scouts. He wants a football scholarship. I want him to go to college. Maybe we can both have our ways. He's a sophomore now, 15 this month. He has set an intention to do better in school this year. He's a good kid, a respectful person.
My younger son is starting eighth grade this year. He says he's not excited, but I know better. He's looking forward to advanced math classes, longer clarinet lessons and joining the broadcasting club. It's time to start touring high schools for him. You have to apply to high schools here. I think he's interested in Columbus High School, my alma mater, but I'm encouraging him to keep an open mind. He is SO smart. Smart like my dad, in that intellectual kind of way, but with far better people skills.
My daughter is starting fourth grade. Upper primary. She wants to be involved in everything she possibly can. She's still a Girl Scout; she starts Junior level this year. She is going to take drama lessons and Spanish after school, at least until Science Olympiad starts in the spring. There was some talk of hip hop dance lessons over the summer, but we'll see how that goes.
As for me. Well, that's always the hard part, isn't it? I'm trying to be more at ease with fluidity. The transition of one thing into another and being comfortable with the transitioning. Still keeping track of my chakras. Root chakra is less blocked than it was. I think taking multiple baths/day and taking care of day-to-day business of my crew helped with that, as well as doing better at keeping up the house and paying bills.
Need:
Physical activity - to that end, I bought myself a new stretching book and I'm going to apply for a scholarship at the YMCA. I also dug my dad's mp3 player out and it still works! I've got to concentrate on the adventure part of walking around the park to block out the fear of people, but I think having the mp3 player with me will help as a distraction.
More protein, root veggies & water. It's expensive, but I think it will be worth it. I tend to lean on carbs for stress relief, but I can substitute in some ways. Greek yogurt vs. ice cream, that sort of thing. I need to eat more regularly, too. I've been having sharp hunger - when I get hungry, I have to eat right that minute or I get nauseated. Don't know what that's about. As for water, I'm drinking more tea, both cold and hot. I really like the Lipton citrus green tea and I have boxes upon boxes of teabags of different sorts.
Sleep. Gotta beat this insomnia. I'm taking otc sleeping pills/liquid right now + I keep the house cold + I go to sleep with the TV on something familiar but low, to occupy my mind long enough to get to sleep. I know the TV part isn't considered good sleep hygiene, but I don't have a working cd player right now. I have found some relaxation cds I think would help on amazon.
Better self-care. I'm getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. That will help immensely. I want to conquer the people-fear enough to get a pedicure. I used to get them all the time, but I learned to be responsible and it became harder to spend money on myself. I would like to get a professional massage, too, but the latter part of that last sentence applies here, too. Tony does a pretty good job himself.
Less coffee. Gotta reduce to a tall and save a grande for bad days. It'll be hard, but I think it will help with the insomnia.
I trust that she can do what she needs to do and do it well.
As can I. That's a new sentiment for me, you see. A gift I have been given this summer. It's been a hard summer round here. Summers are typically hard for me. The bells of the school year quiet down. Our routines go out the window. Yes, that's why we look forward to summer, but I dread it as well. I need there to be a rhythm to my days. Rhythmless days = chaos.
The good news is, all the children are registered for the next year of school. School days are here again. Big relief for all my family. Kids are excited. I'm damn near thrilled, as is my brother. It's been a hard summer for him, too. My mother is still sick, but we are definitely in a holding pattern. The chemotherapy is holding the cancer at bay. Her weight went up a couple of pounds this month. Believe you me, that's good news. We determined, or, rather, Dr. Pippas, determined that she does not have a fistula. She has normal digestion and her weight has stabilized for now. For the next 7 weeks, that's what we're focusing on: keeping her weight on her tiny little body. A year ago, she was a size 16. Now, she's a size 8, leaning towards a 6. Weight loss via cancer: I don't recommend it. She's so tiny . . . my daughter and I want to dress her up like a lil old Barbie doll.
In other news, Happy Lammastide! I love that word. We're easing towards fall and football is around the corner. My oldest son is starting to talk to college football scouts. He wants a football scholarship. I want him to go to college. Maybe we can both have our ways. He's a sophomore now, 15 this month. He has set an intention to do better in school this year. He's a good kid, a respectful person.
My younger son is starting eighth grade this year. He says he's not excited, but I know better. He's looking forward to advanced math classes, longer clarinet lessons and joining the broadcasting club. It's time to start touring high schools for him. You have to apply to high schools here. I think he's interested in Columbus High School, my alma mater, but I'm encouraging him to keep an open mind. He is SO smart. Smart like my dad, in that intellectual kind of way, but with far better people skills.
My daughter is starting fourth grade. Upper primary. She wants to be involved in everything she possibly can. She's still a Girl Scout; she starts Junior level this year. She is going to take drama lessons and Spanish after school, at least until Science Olympiad starts in the spring. There was some talk of hip hop dance lessons over the summer, but we'll see how that goes.
As for me. Well, that's always the hard part, isn't it? I'm trying to be more at ease with fluidity. The transition of one thing into another and being comfortable with the transitioning. Still keeping track of my chakras. Root chakra is less blocked than it was. I think taking multiple baths/day and taking care of day-to-day business of my crew helped with that, as well as doing better at keeping up the house and paying bills.
Need:
Physical activity - to that end, I bought myself a new stretching book and I'm going to apply for a scholarship at the YMCA. I also dug my dad's mp3 player out and it still works! I've got to concentrate on the adventure part of walking around the park to block out the fear of people, but I think having the mp3 player with me will help as a distraction.
More protein, root veggies & water. It's expensive, but I think it will be worth it. I tend to lean on carbs for stress relief, but I can substitute in some ways. Greek yogurt vs. ice cream, that sort of thing. I need to eat more regularly, too. I've been having sharp hunger - when I get hungry, I have to eat right that minute or I get nauseated. Don't know what that's about. As for water, I'm drinking more tea, both cold and hot. I really like the Lipton citrus green tea and I have boxes upon boxes of teabags of different sorts.
Sleep. Gotta beat this insomnia. I'm taking otc sleeping pills/liquid right now + I keep the house cold + I go to sleep with the TV on something familiar but low, to occupy my mind long enough to get to sleep. I know the TV part isn't considered good sleep hygiene, but I don't have a working cd player right now. I have found some relaxation cds I think would help on amazon.
Better self-care. I'm getting my hair cut and colored tomorrow. That will help immensely. I want to conquer the people-fear enough to get a pedicure. I used to get them all the time, but I learned to be responsible and it became harder to spend money on myself. I would like to get a professional massage, too, but the latter part of that last sentence applies here, too. Tony does a pretty good job himself.
Less coffee. Gotta reduce to a tall and save a grande for bad days. It'll be hard, but I think it will help with the insomnia.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Jan 29
Haven't been on to post in a while. That being said, it's not necessarily for a good reason. Just haven't gotten around to it.
I'm knee-deep in fashion and beauty magazines these days and hip-deep in alligators.
I've been telling myself that I have to wait to hike the Appalachian Trail until I lose weight. Today, I say screw that. I'll do what I want when I want to do it. Just because I can. See: Christian Kane.
I'm learning to let myself have personal style. Less uniform. Again, what I want, when I want, etc. I am tired of being defined by my roles in other people's lives.
As for alligators, my mother's chemo has given her a definite mean streak. My grandmother has entered a rehab facility in Florida. Yesterday, she got up out of her bed, pulled off her adult diaper, shredded it and pissed on the floor. I told Mama that if she kept indulging her mean streak with me, I was going to send her to Florida and let my aunt, her sister, deal with her. Or, I would call my brother, who has not (and let's be honest, probably will not) taken his turn with her.
She is deep in martyrdom lately. That attitude has always been around. She gave up so much for her family. Whatever. She worked the entire time my brother and I were children, so she didn't give up her career. She always had money, hers or my dad's. And she definitely didn't give up her freedom, since she abandoned us when we were teenagers. My dad was a drunk and she says she thought that if she left us alone with him, he would be forced to sober up to take care of us. Guess what didn't happen. She told me last night, though, that we would have been abandoned one way or another, that if she hadn't left us with (Dr) Otis the Drunk and continued to live with us, she would have killed herself. My brother and I have talked about the other stuff, but I don't know if I can tell him that last part.
I'm knee-deep in fashion and beauty magazines these days and hip-deep in alligators.
I've been telling myself that I have to wait to hike the Appalachian Trail until I lose weight. Today, I say screw that. I'll do what I want when I want to do it. Just because I can. See: Christian Kane.
I'm learning to let myself have personal style. Less uniform. Again, what I want, when I want, etc. I am tired of being defined by my roles in other people's lives.
As for alligators, my mother's chemo has given her a definite mean streak. My grandmother has entered a rehab facility in Florida. Yesterday, she got up out of her bed, pulled off her adult diaper, shredded it and pissed on the floor. I told Mama that if she kept indulging her mean streak with me, I was going to send her to Florida and let my aunt, her sister, deal with her. Or, I would call my brother, who has not (and let's be honest, probably will not) taken his turn with her.
She is deep in martyrdom lately. That attitude has always been around. She gave up so much for her family. Whatever. She worked the entire time my brother and I were children, so she didn't give up her career. She always had money, hers or my dad's. And she definitely didn't give up her freedom, since she abandoned us when we were teenagers. My dad was a drunk and she says she thought that if she left us alone with him, he would be forced to sober up to take care of us. Guess what didn't happen. She told me last night, though, that we would have been abandoned one way or another, that if she hadn't left us with (Dr) Otis the Drunk and continued to live with us, she would have killed herself. My brother and I have talked about the other stuff, but I don't know if I can tell him that last part.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
A couple of things:
1) I have always been able to bank on sexual power to get what I want. Now, in a relationship that has nothing to do with power, only mutual trust and respect, I think I have to learn to approach sex in a different way in my mind/life. I don't even know where to start with that.
2) Is weed a shamanistic sort of plant? At first, it made me happy and horny. Now, it makes me think deeper about things. Last night, I missed the kids so badly but I couldn't call them because it was late, I was high and I was upset, which is why they live with my mother in the first place, so they won't be upset by my feeling upset. I guess I'm in an epic miss.
3) I dreamed that I was at a party with Jennifer Lawrence at her house. Someone asked her about her makeup in The Hunger Games and she flicked the movie on. Except in this movie, her love interest was Neil Patrick Harris.
1) I have always been able to bank on sexual power to get what I want. Now, in a relationship that has nothing to do with power, only mutual trust and respect, I think I have to learn to approach sex in a different way in my mind/life. I don't even know where to start with that.
2) Is weed a shamanistic sort of plant? At first, it made me happy and horny. Now, it makes me think deeper about things. Last night, I missed the kids so badly but I couldn't call them because it was late, I was high and I was upset, which is why they live with my mother in the first place, so they won't be upset by my feeling upset. I guess I'm in an epic miss.
3) I dreamed that I was at a party with Jennifer Lawrence at her house. Someone asked her about her makeup in The Hunger Games and she flicked the movie on. Except in this movie, her love interest was Neil Patrick Harris.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
This past night, I dreamed that we, my family in the dream, but not my family in real life, the last name was Ignatius (fire) went to stay at the home of some kid/young adult who was away and we had either rented his home to stay or we just crashed there. There was a man climbing the walls on the outside of the building with rappelling gear. The walls were dirty white stucco and the kid had left his junk everywhere: boating vests, etc. Then, it was just me in a high school gym. Lis came to see me, in a big tricked out green Ford pickup truck with a lift kit and enormous tires. There were shades of pale: ivory, bone, white, winter white, you get the idea. Lis put something in a basket, something wooden I think. I drove home and she followed me in the big truck.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Only a couple of minutes
to update before I have to get dressed. It's been a quiet week so far. After the rush of the holidays, I'm glad to be able to say that. My card for today is "Break Free", which was my card yesterday, too. Yesterday, I didn't wear any makeup, got dressed, took the kids to school, went to Starbucks, came home, went to the library, took a long nap . . . ahh! Alarm!
Ok, I'm back. Dressed much like I was yesterday - t-shirt, jeans, plaid shoes. Yesterday: also, didn't have to pick up Kyle from football or take boys to Boy Scouts (that's different), so I sat around and made pleasant conversation with my mother (also different). Then, I came home and read until I finished my book and it was time for sleeping. I went to bed earlier than I hve been and that's different. I dreamed about Imbolc. That falls on Feb 3 this year.
When I woke up this morning, I felt rested. That's definitely different. So, today, what am I going to do to break free? I've got errands to do, but I could take a different route than I usually do. We'll see how it goes.
Ok, I'm back. Dressed much like I was yesterday - t-shirt, jeans, plaid shoes. Yesterday: also, didn't have to pick up Kyle from football or take boys to Boy Scouts (that's different), so I sat around and made pleasant conversation with my mother (also different). Then, I came home and read until I finished my book and it was time for sleeping. I went to bed earlier than I hve been and that's different. I dreamed about Imbolc. That falls on Feb 3 this year.
When I woke up this morning, I felt rested. That's definitely different. So, today, what am I going to do to break free? I've got errands to do, but I could take a different route than I usually do. We'll see how it goes.
Friday, January 11, 2013
No dreams this morning . . .
just tired. My oracle card for the day is "Rest" and that's what I'll do, after I do the things that have to be done. I'm tempted to go back to bed for half an hour, but it's not likely I would get any sleep. But then, rest isn't necessarily sleep.
Monday, January 7, 2013
Jan 7
This morning, I dreamed about an old friend, Alex, who was very distressed. I checked facebook - he's in Costa Rica right now. I don't remember all the details, my fault, for thinking about it before I wrote it down. It was set at a place like a college campus. There were lots of people there and I seemed to know some of them. There was a guy who lived upstairs behind the stage in the auditorium, but it may have been the stage in a theatre. Alex was very unhappy and I seemed to know the guy who lived behind the stage. There was also energy - it was explained to me and I understood, in the dream, it was a certain kind of energy - yellow energy? Not the energy produced by doing something and not consumed by anything, but an energy that everyone has, that simply is. And I guess I had a lot of it. Something to that effect.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Synchronicities galore
Today is January 6th. Today is the day, two years ago, my father had his final heart attack and was taken off life support to leave this life. Tomorrow is the day my father died. I wasn't with him at the time. My mother and his sister were there to ease his way. We buried him on a Monday, the day of the moon. There was an enormous hanging moon on my birthday this year. While we were in southern Alabama, I had a hotel room all to myself. Tony couldn't come, he had to tend to his mother. I watched the first episode of Charmed. Today, the first season is on the floor where it shouldn't be. There is no reason it should be out. I get it, universe. I get it.
<> I realize I didn't explain that very well. It makes no sense to anybody who isn't living inside my head. Feel free to not try to understand it and move on. Just know that I have returned to my path. I tried to be what my parents & brother wanted me to be. I tried for 2 years, but the truth of the matter is that it just isn't who I am. I won't be derogatory towards their beliefs and I will even go to church, if moved to do so, but it's just not me.
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Jan 6
This morning, I dreamed that Tony & I were staying in a busy resort town, Miami-esque. Beach, cars, tons of people. I was in the hospital. In a bed, on a floor, but no one was taking care of me. I was able to leave at will. I drove down to the beach. There were these eels in the water, enormous things, but not as big as the shrieking eels and they would try to get in the car and bite me. When I was on the beach, I stayed well away from the water because that's where the eels were. There were celebrities on the beach, too. I nearly scared away Sarah Jessica Parker because I kept saying, "oh my god, it's the real Carrie!" Until I realized how it must suck to have someone running after you calling you by a name that's not yours. So I apologized and she kept a careful distance away from me, but you can tell she wanted to ask what was wrong with me, why I might still be here to watch Monday night Raw. I was also carrying on a conversation with Freddie Prinze Jr & Sarah Michelle Gellar. We talked about how he's writing the scripts for Raw, now. I did not mention Buffy.
So, what does that mean? I'm taking away that I have health needs that aren't being addressed, which is true. I have been way off balance moodwise, but I think it's swinging back towards normal. I started Weight Watchers and I've been tracking to address the weight issue. I wonder if there's something else I don't know about yet.
So, what does that mean? I'm taking away that I have health needs that aren't being addressed, which is true. I have been way off balance moodwise, but I think it's swinging back towards normal. I started Weight Watchers and I've been tracking to address the weight issue. I wonder if there's something else I don't know about yet.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Jan 4
This morning, I dreamed that I was getting married. Lis was here and she was all excited because my fiance was in the house of the Duke of Norfolk and would be the next in line to the throne of Britain. He was an Indian guy. I was sitting in the bathroom at Dimon Street, enthroned, shall we say. In this bathroom, there was also Tony's mom, or she was supposed to be. I honestly wouldn't know Tony's mom if I met her on the street. Also, my mom and this guy. I was talking to Tony's mom, then I looked at this guy and he did something that Tony does and I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry, because I couldn't marry this guy. He might do the same things that Tony does, but he's not Tony and that makes all the difference.
It was the first morning in a long time that I've wanted to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Usually my brain turns on and that's the end of that. It might be because I actually got sleep 10:30-6:45. Quite a bit more sleep than I've gotten lately. I'm taking a natural sleep aid, a take-off on melatonin, which gets me to sleep, but I have a hard time staying asleep.
It was the first morning in a long time that I've wanted to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Usually my brain turns on and that's the end of that. It might be because I actually got sleep 10:30-6:45. Quite a bit more sleep than I've gotten lately. I'm taking a natural sleep aid, a take-off on melatonin, which gets me to sleep, but I have a hard time staying asleep.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
The obligatory New Year's post
It's not New Year's Day. I managed to not make the obligatory New Year's post on New Year's Day. How's that for self control?
But I have been productive in this time of resolutions. Mine aren't really so much resolutions, which inevitably fail or get left behind in the life-flurries. Mine are more "I think these are good ideas and I am going to attend to these, while leaving room for error, because there's no such thing as perfect and I refuse to get bogged down in perfectionism." I am also pledging to these for the next 18 months. A nice round number, don't you think?
- I will continue to attempt Flylady routines every day. Some days, the whole thing gets done, sometimes, only one blessed thing. It's the striving that matters. I can do anything for five minutes, even if that's all that gets done. (www.flylady.net)
- I will watch what I eat. I dreamed the night before New Year's Eve about Weight Watchers very vividly, in bold-print, if you can imagine that. When I pulled my oracle card that morning, I got Helpful Person. Synchronicity, much? I signed up for the online program that morning. When I got on the scale, I was very much glad I did. Over 300 pounds again. I blame it on Christmas candy and my unsurprising lack of self-control when it comes to Christmas candy. I've tracked every day since then. (www.weightwatchers.com)
- I will exercise. This one is hard for me to not get bogged down in perfectionism. I like the pretty plans in the magazines, but I have a hard time with starting, then something happens and I can't do some part of it like I had planned, so the whole thing just goes to shit. I have to be forgiving and flexible when it comes to exercise.
- I will not take the easy way out, i.e. throwing all these to the wind because I didn't do one little thing like I thought I should have done it. I will not give in to perfectionism.
- I will establish a schedule for my creative work. I have been accepted to the aesthetician program at the local tech college, Columbus Technical College. It is a relief and a joy to finally feel comfortable and happy and worth doing something I am truly interested in. I missed registration for spring semester, so I plan to start in the summer. To fill the time, I have registered (today!) for two continuing education courses at Columbus State University. I am taking Mind, Body, Spirit and Organic Beauty. I am also attending the Mind Body Spirit Retreat at Columbus State University next Saturday. Everything is already paid and for once, I put myself first. I may not be able to pay for Jamie's Spanish lessons this month, but I am paid and registered for something that I am truly interested in. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking this trouble for. I have to remind myself of my own worthiness. (www.columbustech.edu; www.columbusstate.edu)
- I will make time for friends and fun. To that end, I have set up a weekly breakfast date with one of my oldest friends and I have determined to make it a priority.
- I will meditate. I will keep an eye out for synchonicities and heed their warnings. I will pay attention to my dreams. I will educate myself regarding intuitive development and alternative healing.
- I will be proud of my accomplishments and appreciate those qualities of mine that have helped me accomplish those 'ments. I will pat myself on the back.
- I will read, read, read.
- I will keep up with this blog and I have been toying with the idea of starting another one, specifically focused on beauty and organics.
- I will make my home a retreat, a place I WANT to come to, when I feel battered from the world. As it is, it's really more of just a shelter.
- I will pay more attention to nutrition. I realize that means putting an end to my seemingly-nightly Wendy's runs. I'm ok with that. I need to have food that I want to eat and be able to fix it easily enough that it doesn't seem like too much effort when I get home at night and in the mornings for breakfast. These days, I have coffee for breakfast and then I have a headache, so I supplement it with a couple of Aleve.
- I will appreciate those people and things around me.
But I have been productive in this time of resolutions. Mine aren't really so much resolutions, which inevitably fail or get left behind in the life-flurries. Mine are more "I think these are good ideas and I am going to attend to these, while leaving room for error, because there's no such thing as perfect and I refuse to get bogged down in perfectionism." I am also pledging to these for the next 18 months. A nice round number, don't you think?
- I will continue to attempt Flylady routines every day. Some days, the whole thing gets done, sometimes, only one blessed thing. It's the striving that matters. I can do anything for five minutes, even if that's all that gets done. (www.flylady.net)
- I will watch what I eat. I dreamed the night before New Year's Eve about Weight Watchers very vividly, in bold-print, if you can imagine that. When I pulled my oracle card that morning, I got Helpful Person. Synchronicity, much? I signed up for the online program that morning. When I got on the scale, I was very much glad I did. Over 300 pounds again. I blame it on Christmas candy and my unsurprising lack of self-control when it comes to Christmas candy. I've tracked every day since then. (www.weightwatchers.com)
- I will exercise. This one is hard for me to not get bogged down in perfectionism. I like the pretty plans in the magazines, but I have a hard time with starting, then something happens and I can't do some part of it like I had planned, so the whole thing just goes to shit. I have to be forgiving and flexible when it comes to exercise.
- I will not take the easy way out, i.e. throwing all these to the wind because I didn't do one little thing like I thought I should have done it. I will not give in to perfectionism.
- I will establish a schedule for my creative work. I have been accepted to the aesthetician program at the local tech college, Columbus Technical College. It is a relief and a joy to finally feel comfortable and happy and worth doing something I am truly interested in. I missed registration for spring semester, so I plan to start in the summer. To fill the time, I have registered (today!) for two continuing education courses at Columbus State University. I am taking Mind, Body, Spirit and Organic Beauty. I am also attending the Mind Body Spirit Retreat at Columbus State University next Saturday. Everything is already paid and for once, I put myself first. I may not be able to pay for Jamie's Spanish lessons this month, but I am paid and registered for something that I am truly interested in. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking this trouble for. I have to remind myself of my own worthiness. (www.columbustech.edu; www.columbusstate.edu)
- I will make time for friends and fun. To that end, I have set up a weekly breakfast date with one of my oldest friends and I have determined to make it a priority.
- I will meditate. I will keep an eye out for synchonicities and heed their warnings. I will pay attention to my dreams. I will educate myself regarding intuitive development and alternative healing.
- I will be proud of my accomplishments and appreciate those qualities of mine that have helped me accomplish those 'ments. I will pat myself on the back.
- I will read, read, read.
- I will keep up with this blog and I have been toying with the idea of starting another one, specifically focused on beauty and organics.
- I will make my home a retreat, a place I WANT to come to, when I feel battered from the world. As it is, it's really more of just a shelter.
- I will pay more attention to nutrition. I realize that means putting an end to my seemingly-nightly Wendy's runs. I'm ok with that. I need to have food that I want to eat and be able to fix it easily enough that it doesn't seem like too much effort when I get home at night and in the mornings for breakfast. These days, I have coffee for breakfast and then I have a headache, so I supplement it with a couple of Aleve.
- I will appreciate those people and things around me.
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