Jan 7

This morning, I dreamed about an old friend, Alex, who was very distressed. I checked facebook - he's in Costa Rica right now. I don't remember all the details, my fault, for thinking about it before I wrote it down. It was set at a place like a college campus. There were lots of people there and I seemed to know some of them. There was a guy who lived upstairs behind the stage in the auditorium, but it may have been the stage in a theatre. Alex was very unhappy and I seemed to know the guy who lived behind the stage. There was also energy - it was explained to me and I understood, in the dream, it was a certain kind of energy - yellow energy? Not the energy produced by doing something and not consumed by anything, but an energy that everyone has, that simply is. And I guess I had a lot of it. Something to that effect.

Synchronicities galore

Today is January 6th. Today is the day, two years ago, my father had his final heart attack and was taken off life support to leave this life. Tomorrow is the day my father died. I wasn't with him at the time. My mother and his sister were there to ease his way. We buried him on a Monday, the day of the moon. There was an enormous hanging moon on my birthday this year. While we were in southern Alabama, I had a hotel room all to myself. Tony couldn't come, he had to tend to his mother. I watched the first episode of Charmed. Today, the first season is on the floor where it shouldn't be. There is no reason it should be out. I get it, universe. I get it.

<> I realize I didn't explain that very well. It makes no sense to anybody who isn't living inside my head. Feel free to not try to understand it and move on. Just know that I have returned to my path. I tried to be what my parents & brother wanted me to be. I tried for 2 years, but the truth of the matter is that it just isn't who I am. I won't be derogatory towards their beliefs and I will even go to church, if moved to do so, but it's just not me.

Jan 6

This morning, I dreamed that Tony & I were staying in a busy resort town, Miami-esque. Beach, cars, tons of people. I was in the hospital. In a bed, on a floor, but no one was taking care of me. I was able to leave at will. I drove down to the beach. There were these eels in the water, enormous things, but not as big as the shrieking eels and they would try to get in the car and bite me. When I was on the beach, I stayed well away from the water because that's where the eels were. There were celebrities on the beach, too. I nearly scared away Sarah Jessica Parker because I kept saying, "oh my god, it's the real Carrie!" Until I realized how it must suck to have someone running after you calling you by a name that's not yours. So I apologized and she kept a careful distance away from me, but you can tell she wanted to ask what was wrong with me, why I might still be here to watch Monday night Raw. I was also carrying on a conversation with Freddie Prinze Jr & Sarah Michelle Gellar. We talked about how he's writing the scripts for Raw, now. I did not mention Buffy.

So, what does that mean? I'm taking away that I have health needs that aren't being addressed, which is true. I have been way off balance moodwise, but I think it's swinging back towards normal. I started Weight Watchers and I've been tracking to address the weight issue. I wonder if there's something else I don't know about yet.

Jan 4

This morning, I dreamed that I was getting married. Lis was here and she was all excited because my fiance was in the house of the Duke of Norfolk and would be the next in line to the throne of Britain. He was an Indian guy. I was sitting in the bathroom at Dimon Street, enthroned, shall we say. In this bathroom, there was also Tony's mom, or she was supposed to be. I honestly wouldn't know Tony's mom if I met her on the street. Also, my mom and this guy. I was talking to Tony's mom, then I looked at this guy and he did something that Tony does and I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry, because I couldn't marry this guy. He might do the same things that Tony does, but he's not Tony and that makes all the difference.

It was the first morning in a long time that I've wanted to stay in bed and go back to sleep. Usually my brain turns on and that's the end of that. It might be because I actually got sleep 10:30-6:45. Quite a bit more sleep than I've gotten lately. I'm taking a natural sleep aid, a take-off on melatonin, which gets me to sleep, but I have a hard time staying asleep.

The obligatory New Year's post

It's not New Year's Day. I managed to not make the obligatory New Year's post on New Year's Day. How's that for self control?

But I have been productive in this time of resolutions. Mine aren't really so much resolutions, which inevitably fail or get left behind in the life-flurries. Mine are more "I think these are good ideas and I am going to attend to these, while leaving room for error, because there's no such thing as perfect and I refuse to get bogged down in perfectionism." I am also pledging to these for the next 18 months. A nice round number, don't you think?

- I will continue to attempt Flylady routines every day. Some days, the whole thing gets done, sometimes, only one blessed thing. It's the striving that matters. I can do anything for five minutes, even if that's all that gets done. (www.flylady.net)

- I will watch what I eat. I dreamed the night before New Year's Eve about Weight Watchers very vividly, in bold-print, if you can imagine that. When I pulled my oracle card that morning, I got Helpful Person. Synchronicity, much? I signed up for the online program that morning. When I got on the scale, I was very much glad I did. Over 300 pounds again. I blame it on Christmas candy and my unsurprising lack of self-control when it comes to Christmas candy. I've tracked every day since then. (www.weightwatchers.com)

- I will exercise. This one is hard for me to not get bogged down in perfectionism. I like the pretty plans in the magazines, but I have a hard time with starting, then something happens and I can't do some part of it like I had planned, so the whole thing just goes to shit. I have to be forgiving and flexible when it comes to exercise.

- I will not take the easy way out, i.e. throwing all these to the wind because I didn't do one little thing like I thought I should have done it. I will not give in to perfectionism.

- I will establish a schedule for my creative work. I have been accepted to the aesthetician program at the local tech college, Columbus Technical College. It is a relief and a joy to finally feel comfortable and happy and worth doing something I am truly interested in. I missed registration for spring semester, so I plan to start in the summer. To fill the time, I have registered (today!) for two continuing education courses at Columbus State University. I am taking Mind, Body, Spirit and Organic Beauty. I am also attending the Mind Body Spirit Retreat at Columbus State University next Saturday. Everything is already paid and for once, I put myself first. I may not be able to pay for Jamie's Spanish lessons this month, but I am paid and registered for something that I am truly interested in. I have to keep reminding myself that I am worth taking this trouble for. I have to remind myself of my own worthiness. (www.columbustech.edu; www.columbusstate.edu)

- I will make time for friends and fun. To that end, I have set up a weekly breakfast date with one of my oldest friends and I have determined to make it a priority.

- I will meditate. I will keep an eye out for synchonicities and heed their warnings. I will pay attention to my dreams. I will educate myself regarding intuitive development and alternative healing.

- I will be proud of my accomplishments and appreciate those qualities of mine that have helped me accomplish those 'ments. I will pat myself on the back.

- I will read, read, read.

- I will keep up with this blog and I have been toying with the idea of starting another one, specifically focused on beauty and organics.

- I will make my home a retreat, a place I WANT to come to, when I feel battered from the world. As it is, it's really more of just a shelter.

- I will pay more attention to nutrition. I realize that means putting an end to my seemingly-nightly Wendy's runs. I'm ok with that. I need to have food that I want to eat and be able to fix it easily enough that it doesn't seem like too much effort when I get home at night and in the mornings for breakfast. These days, I have coffee for breakfast and then I have a headache, so I supplement it with a couple of Aleve.

- I will appreciate those people and things around me.

Christmas musings, which sounds dull, but not what you're thinking.

Today is Christmas. It's been a good one. I'm satisfied with how it has turned out. Since the day isn't over yet, I suppose I am referring to the breakfast/opening presents ritual that we observe every December 25th. There were piles and piles of gifts; so many, I thought maybe we had done too much. But, there were also ten people this year, too. Me, Tony, my mom, my aunt, my kids (3), my brother and my sister-in-law. I almost wrote "and his wife" there, when referring to Lindsey, but she is really much closer to me than that. I love Lindsey. I'm glad she's in our family now.

(yes, I'm jumping around conversationally, but my brain is thinking that way, too. It's tiring, but I'm really really thankful that Starbucks was open this afternoon. I'm so off schedule with the daily application of espresso, it's hard to concentrate.)

The doctor says this may be my mother's last Christmas. Not so sure. If it's anyone's last, I think it might be my grandmother's last Christmas. She was so sick, she didn't open presents with us. That's pretty sick. When my father was dying, he still used the small allotment of energy to come downstairs and watch the kids open presents for ten minutes.

It's been a hard time for my grandmother. She's 81 years old, turning 82 in February. This past Friday night, she was diagnosed with a touch of pneumonia. Saturday midday, Kyle, my fourteen-year-old, and I had to practically carry her out to the truck for he and my mother to take her to the emergency room. The doctor there termed it "angina and congestive heart failure," but we don't know that that is entirely accurate. It also might be side effects from the powerful medicines she was given for the pneumonia. Or a gastrointestinal thing. We just don't know. She spent the night in the hospital and was much better the next morning. Now, sick again. My aunt is going to give her a different cough syrup instead of the codeine-laced one the doctor prescribed. If that doesn't help, I imagine they'll take her back to the acute care place tomorrow.

I can't imagine Christmas without my mother steering the ship. But, I've been paying attention this year - to what I love and don't love, what has merit, what doesn't. I like going to church. This is a big one for me to admit. But I love going to the Christmas concert at our church, St. Luke United Methodist. Jamie is in the children's choir and was a shepherd in the Christmas play this year. I love the music, the singing, the resonance of it all.

I love going to the Family Christmas Eve service as a family. I don't take Communion, but everyone else can if they want to. I usually get trouble every year, because I don't take Communion. But, see, here's the thing. It's a sacrament. It's a holy act. If one is going to commit to that, one should do it with a whole heart. My heart has not been fully committed to Jesus being my Lord and Savior, so it's dishonest to state that with that action. I'll keep my integrity, thank you. Typing that out now, I realize, I've been waiting to give someone that reasoning. So here you go.

My mother decorates the house for Christmas. I . . . I didn't decorate anything this year. I think it's because of this nasty streak of perfectionism I have. I know that I probably won't be able to do it "perfectly" so I don't do it at all. That's going to have to stop. I need to be able to make a home for my family, even before my mom passes. Maybe I should practice doing it every month or so, decorating for the seasons, so when Christmas rolls around again, I'll be ready and more comfortable doing it.

I like buying presents. I'll need a budget next year, though. I didn't pay any attention to what I spent this year. I don't like wrapping presents. Next year, I think I will take all the presents to the House of Heroes gift wrapping service at the mall and pay them to wrap them. It would be easier on me and the money would go for a good cause.

I loved going to see "Annie" with Sam, age 13, and Jamie, age 9, at the Springer. We have stopped buying things from "Santa" for the most part. Instead, we splurge on experiences. This year, we also went to Fantasy in Lights at Callaway Gardens. We're going to go to the Georgia Aquarium and Ocmulgee Mounds in January, after my car gets fixed. I was worried that the kids would be disappointed in small trips this year. Last year, Mama took us to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter at Universal Studios and Disney World. What trip doesn't look small next to that? But they seem to be okay with what we've planned. Bless them, they're very forgiving and flexible.

I liked spending a few lengths of time with my brother, Will, and Lindsey. I finally feel like I can be myself around them. Will has a hard time with the kids. He doesn't have any of his own and it's going to be a hard transition for him. Kids can be chaotic. He doesn't deal with chaos well. There's other issues there, I think, but I choose to let those be his issues and not attempt to solve them for him.

As for me, I have been readmitted to Columbus Technical College. I am in the esthetician program and I have no problem admitting that I'm really excited about it.

That's new for me, too, to not be shy about admitting that I'm interested in far less academic things than my father would allow. He would consider me frivolous and I'm fairly certain he was disappointed in me for being an intellectual lightweight. Or maybe I'm not giving either of us enough credit. Maybe I put all this pressure on myself to live up to what I thought were his ideals. Maybe he was ok with me. Maybe he . . . I don't know. I don't know that I can complete that sentence with something he truthfully might have thought. But, he's moved on already, in every sense of that word, and there's no asking him and no pressure to be or do anything specific anymore. That right there is wonderful freedom.

Anyway, I'm really excited about it.

"I can't believe it, I'm a beautician!"
"Uh-uh-uh! Glamour technician!"
"Glamour technician!"
"Well, look at me, Annelle. It takes some effort to look like this."
"Oh, I can see that."  - Steel Magnolias

In fact, I have secret dreams of creating my own line of beauty products. I've been scouring Allure and Natural Health and the internet. We'll see. For now, it's incredible to be able to have dreams of my own - not influenced by anyone but me.

The obligatory Christmas entry

It's a few days before Christmas - a week, in fact, and, this year, it's just something else to get done. That's sad, isn't it? But, since I'm in charge of everything - making sure gifts get bought and food gets cooked and keeping other people's travel plans in check, that seems to be the way it has to be this year.

My mother is doing ok. She's taking fluids every week now - potassium and magnesium and saline. It's a 4-hour stint in the Infusion department of John B. Amos Cancer Center. I think maybe the ho-hums about Christmas is because we, my mother and I, are getting pressure from her sister and my brother to make it a really good, meaningful Christmas, since it may be her last. And, being the ornery people that we are, all that pressure makes it hard to perform.

I have no Christmas decorations up at my house. It makes very little sense to me to decorate at home when . . . ok. That sentence just isn't true. I try to spend a lot of time at home; it just doesn't work out that way sometimes. I have no Christmas decorations up because my perfectionist tendencies have won out in that department.

We have effectively stopped doing Santa for the kids. Now, we try to have more experiences instead of stuff that the dog's going to chew up. Like Sam's headphones. This Christmas is just sort of slapdash put together.

In other news, days pass and things happen. Today is our early day. Sam has to be at school at 8:00, instead of his usual 8:30, for band practice. His Christmas concert is tonight. He is also one of a handful of 7th graders across the district who have the opportunity to participate in All-City Honor Band in February. It was his first audition for anything and he did well. Clarinet has done a lot for his self-esteem.

Jamie is going home with a friend for the first time today. She and the other girls in her class have been invited to a cookie-making and decorating party at Emery's house. I'm letting her miss Spanish for this party. She wants to take dance lessons, too. We'll see. She's already in Spanish, dramakids, children's choir at church, Girl Scouts and piano lessons.

And Kyle. Here's the thing: I have the feeling that he is meant for great things. I think we should find an alternate form of education for him. He doesn't like school. He does his best, but he doesn't enjoy it. My mother suggested private school, but I don't think that's going to change anything. Last night, he said he wished we could move out of the city limits and he could learn to be self-sufficient. I suggested that while we can't move just yet, he could work on learning the skills he would need to do that. Once he's eighteen, he can move to our land in Monroe County and do that, if that's what he wants to do. I do think he'll need a day job, to be able to have something to live on while he gets started. To that end, it might be useful to learn a trade. When he's sixteen, he can do dual enrollment at Columbus Tech, if he wants to do that. He had been talking about going to college in North Carolina to learn to be a gunsmith. I know he really needs Christmas break, to have some time to chill out and do what he wants to do. He is going to a redneck Christmas party on Friday night.

As for me, I will no longer be legally disabled in three months. I feel like there are these wide vistas of opportunity opening up for me. I realize it doesn't change the fact that I have bad credit and a spotty academic record, but . . . it's true that I am no longer disabled.