Finally

I disassociated for the first time in years today. I haven't slipped away since before my dad died, January 2011. It was just for a few minutes, just a flash away and back. I remember what I said. It was healing.

Tony and I were . . . being intimate . . . and I guess it was just so intense that it triggered a moment. I said, "I'm sorry" over and over again, and "Please don't make me be alone again." It's the "again" part that makes me think that these are my real feelings about my mother's Impending Doom. She left me before, you know. She left my brother and I to live with our alcoholic father, so she could live alone.

And, I was finally able to cry. I haven't physically cried for months now. I have tried to cry - everything short of physical pain, but nothing . . . until tonight. It is healing and exhausting.