Nov 16

Really, there's nothing new.

My mom still has cancer and, more importantly, liver failure. She has started taking fluids by IV every Friday - potassium and magnesium and whatever fluid they give you when you're dehydrated - saline? She has started swelling, which is one of the symptoms of acute liver failure. But it's not every day or all the time yet.

We are flummoxed that the holidays are so close.

The Energy Savers people are here, replacing our furnace. I don't like having workmen in the house and they've opened up a hole in the hall floor which makes getting to our only bathroom quite the Olympic feat for me. They have taken off the hall door and there's banging, which rattles me. I really don't need my nerves to be shot today. I need to stay on top of my game. Also. One of them is smoking weed outside the house. Refer back to "I need to stay on top of my game."

Sam is two weeks away from his first audition. He plays the clarinet and is trying out for All-City Honor Band. He's the only clarinet from his school to audition. So, he's at school a lot lately, for practice. Tuesday mornings and lots of days after school, plus private lessons on Saturday. Being good at this has been good for him. He has a lot more confidence now than he used to. (Yes. I realize I dangle participles all over the place. Thanks for noticing.)

Mama would like me to start attending church regularly. I assume my brother would like me to, as well, since he's gotten all churchy and evangelical. I like the formal service fine, except for the dressing up - well, maybe I like that part, too. I like the music. The sanctuary is big and beautiful and the acoustics are awesome. This week, they are going to do Copland (which I love) and something else I love, but don't remember what. The boys like to attend the earlier modern service. I dislike it quite a lot. I don't know any of the words and the music sucks. The youth program is ok. The new youth minister and his wife are hellfire-and-brimstone kinda people, so I'm not sure why they have this job at this very-middle-of-the-road, leaning-towards-liberal Methodist Church. We like to keep our feet warm and our services short. People have football and lunch to get to. We don't have all damn day and we think God is probably good with that. I can continue taking the kids to the youth things & children's choir (Jamie), but I don't know about the morning service. I like having my mornings quiet, which might be a moot point with kids in the house.

ever'day

This is my first "everyday" sort of post. Here are the highlights:

- So glad to wake up in a world where President Barack Obama is still President and will be for another four years. :)
- Today is Anti-Procrastination Day. I have procrastinated about getting Kyle's JROTC uniform to the cleaners and he's supposed to wear it tomorrow. So I have created a bad situation for myself. One in which he loses points because of my laziness or I miss seeing Dr. Pippas because I have to get his uniform and take it & him to school later. Well, that's just not a good choice. I can't miss seeing Dr. Pippas. Mama doesn't remember things . . . . and the doctor is not a good place to be absent-minded.
- Mama and I are going to lower Alabama tomorrow to wrap up funeral plans, see my granddaddy, who is in a nursing home, visit my 102-year old grandma and my paternal aunts, pick up my brother's inheritance (my granddaddy's desk) and put faux fleurs on my daddy's grave. Tired, yet? I know I certainly am. I imagine we'll go to the cemetary at Mount Pleasant, too. It will be good to spend one-on-one time with my mom and the kids will have a good time with Tony and we'll be back on Saturday. Just expecting some emotion-packed days and here I've been avoiding those for so long. Gotta make sure and pack the waterproof mascara . . . .

Finally

I disassociated for the first time in years today. I haven't slipped away since before my dad died, January 2011. It was just for a few minutes, just a flash away and back. I remember what I said. It was healing.

Tony and I were . . . being intimate . . . and I guess it was just so intense that it triggered a moment. I said, "I'm sorry" over and over again, and "Please don't make me be alone again." It's the "again" part that makes me think that these are my real feelings about my mother's Impending Doom. She left me before, you know. She left my brother and I to live with our alcoholic father, so she could live alone.

And, I was finally able to cry. I haven't physically cried for months now. I have tried to cry - everything short of physical pain, but nothing . . . until tonight. It is healing and exhausting.